Pull Back the Curtain

I am writing this Monday morning blog for two reasons. The first is to ensure all of you that I am not in the midst of one of my legendary hermit phases!

On the heels of the New Attitude Conference, you would expect me to have attended the past two Sunday services at Evergreen. The first Sunday, as I mentioned in my last post, the entire family went to Tim’s and Melissa’s church to see Melissa and little Sam (and Tim, it turned out) get baptized. So, that is where I was that Sunday.

And this past Sunday, yesterday, well…let me back up a little (and also reveal the second reason I’m writing this email — to announce I am finally exercising again).

It took me until June to finally do it (when I first talked about it way back in January), but I rejoined the gym this past week. One of the thoughts I had leaving the NA weekend was that it was time to get back into shape. The walking, sitting on the floor, going up stairs, etc. at the conference would have been a lot easier on me had I been in shape like I used to be. And so, after letting my feet heal the first week back, I joined the gym this past Tuesday. My mom also joined. In order for her to get healthy, she needs someone like me to push her. So my getting in shape won’t just benefit me, it will benefit her as well.

Because it is the only time that works for my mom, we go to the gym somewhere around nine o’clock at night. I went Tuesday and Thursday night (taking Wednesday off) by myself. Each night, I immediately went home to bed afterward. On Friday and Saturday, my mom went with me (she had a sore back early in the week, so she was letting it heal). On those nights, because it was the weekend, I didn’t go right home to bed afterward. I went back to my parent’s place to spend time with them. The problem with this, it turned out, is each night I missed my “window” to fall asleep.

On Friday, I did not fall asleep until 5:00 am. I was wired all night. Saturday, I did not fall asleep until almost 6:30 am. I set my alarm for church, but if memory serves all I did was lift my head off the pillow, mumble something incoherent, and then fall back asleep.

It’s a small sample size, but this appears to be the gist of the situation: When I work out at night and then go to bed about an hour later, I will fall asleep just fine. When I work out at night and then stay up several more hours, my body catches a second wind. I’m hoping once my body gets used to the new routine, this won’t happen anymore.

I make the following vow: Unless I am in the hospital with some unforeseen ailment, I will be at Evergreen this Sunday. Even if it means never falling asleep Saturday night because my body is wired from the workout several hours earlier, I will stay up all night, go to church, and then come home to collapse into bed.

This is my vow.

The hermit has spoken.

I write this fully aware it is possible no one will read it. I guess that’s the price you pay when you ask everyone to leave this site off their blogrolls (in order to keep “just anyone” from reading its content) — people tend to forget you exist. On a related note: Josh, I keep forgetting to mention this in e-mail or in person, but could you please take this site off your blogroll? Thanks, buuuudy (in Pauly Shore voice).

Yesterday, the family all went to Tim’s and Melissa’s church. They and little Samantha were all being baptized (Tim because he is the head of the household; Melissa and Sam because they’d never before done so). The church service took place on Lake Wildwood in Macon. Everyone was supposed to bring lawn chairs and dress “Hawaiian.” Since my mom forgets to relay these sort of tidbits to me and my dad, we both came dressed in our normal attire. Everyone else was in Hawaiian shirts, shorts or dresses.

So there I am, at a lake in jeans, a long-sleeve shirt (untucked, of course) and my big ol’ brown boots. Now, admittedly, this is how I would have dressed (except the boots would’ve been swapped for sandles) even if I had been given advanced notice on the “Hawaiian” dress code. It’s just how I am. My mom, inevitably, would have asked something along the lines of, “why didn’t you dress Hawaiian, Kevin?” And I would have responded with something like, “this is me if I was in Hawaii.” And then everyone would have laughed (I’m assuming).

While the baptism was taking place, I was entrusted with holding little Patrick. To the rest of the world, I am average to above average in height. But in my family, I am a giant. And since Patrick seems to like it when I hold him (we all suspect it is due to how much higher he is in the air when I hold him in relation to everyone else in the family), I was given the honor.

When I acquired Patrick, he was already crying. This made my job much tougher. It’s one thing to inherit a baby in good spirits, but it’s another to inherit one already bawling. But I stood up, went to the back of the beach area, and gave Patrick my patented “pace back and forth while bouncing and patting the baby on the back” maneuver. It worked like a charm.

I should point out that this calming Patrick down was accomplished without the aid of his pacifier. Earlier, before Patrick was given to me, he had dropped it on the sand.

Impressive, right?

It was a year later than I’d originally promised, but I attended the New Attitude Conference this past weekend in Kentucky. Last year, I missed the conference for financial (I’d been greeted with an unexpected $200+ phone bill the same day my NA payment was due — a work of Satan, no doubt) and personal (on the heels of the breakup, I didn’t really feel like going anywhere or doing anything) reasons. But none of that mattered this weekend. And I’m glad I went.

Let me get my dry remarks out of the way (it wouldn’t be me if I didn’t have a dry comment or two). One, I wish I’d been warned about all the walking. I brought my slip-on boots (instead of tennis shoes) for the trip, and about three hours in my feet were killing me. So much pain. So many blisters. Two, and this is related to number one, I wish I was in shape like I used to be. Walking up and down stairs isn’t fun when you’re out of shape. Three, I wish I’d gotten a haircut before the trip. My hair has entered the stage where it flips and does whatever it feels like doing. It will be unmanageable for several more weeks before it outgrows this stage. On top of that, the long hair caused me to be hot whenever we were anywhere warmer than an icebox.

Okay, with that out of my system, I really enjoyed myself. I was worried I wouldn’t. As I mentioned to Josh in an e-mail last week, I admitted there was a realistic chance everything we would be doing at the conference would be out of my comfort zone. Thankfully, with the exception of our sitting ON THE FLOOR during community groups, I was comfortable with the entire conference.

The community groups aspect of the conference was probably my favorite part. I liked everyone in my group (despite the fact it was really difficult hearing them speak — they were all “low talkers”). I was put into community group Section B, the same section as Josh and Lyndsay (which wasn’t a huge coincidence), and also the same mini group as Josh and Lyndsay (which was a huge coincidence when you do all the math). Having “J” and “Z” — which I think I will call them from now on until the end of time — in the group helped me feel comfortable right from the get-go. I am much more at ease in small group settings anyway, but their being there made it even more so.

The worship music was great. Although, I do wish they had split it up so that half the songs were at the beginning (before the speaker’s presentation) and the other half at the end. My reasoning is only due to the fact my very sore feet were usually in agony ten minutes into the worship. The songs were wonderful. The lead singer has that “rock” voice I like, and on two occasions they had a string section play with the band. Once, they had a guy in the background playing the ACCORDION! I don’t exactly know why, but I love the accordion. It adds a little… I don’t know what. But anyway, I liked the music very much. I definitely hope “J” — hint, hint — incorporates some of those new songs into Evergreen.

The speakers were all great. It was easy to see why all of them were so popular and so well published. I wish we had gotten to hear Dr. Moehler (was that his last name?), who did a “Q & A” with the audience, give an actual sermon. He sounded like a very, very, very, very bright guy. The biggest surprise amongst the speakers for me was John Piper. I knew of him, but I’d never heard him speak. And I had heard some people didn’t really like him from last year. I thought he was really good, though. He gave two speeches. The first detailed the life of William Tyndale. It was part history lesson and part sermon. I liked it a lot.

I forget the name of the speaker who made it, but one of the points that really registered with me dealt with my selfishness. This speaker told the story of how he’d received word a book had been written that glowingly mentioned him in it. The speaker said he had never been so enthusiastic about reading a book. It was about him, and he loved that. Then he explained how selfish this was. He explained how it was no different than reading the Bible looking for verses about ME, for ME, relevant to ME. “The Bible isn’t about me,” he said (I’m probably paraphrasing). “It’s about GOD.” He might as well have been talking about me, because I do this very thing.

It was sad not having the Plunks, Douglasses and company at the conference, but thankfully we had a nice mix of group participants. Adam and his friend Jerry, Daniel W., Daniel D. and Leah, the aforementioned J and Z, and yours truly. We had never met Jerry before, but he was very nice and personable. He and I even discussed stock investing for ten minutes one night, which gives him major cool points in my book. Daniel W. celebrated his 25th birthday during the weekend. I’d like to think I gave him the greatest gift of all during the trip — the gift of laughter.

Thank you to all who played a hand in ensuring I went. Sometimes I need a little boost.

A lot has happened lately. For a few days, I forgot I even had a blog (let alone two).

My brother Joey had a pretty tough week. He lost a $400 a month account for his aquarium business when his client had a leak and Joey couldn’t drop what he was doing to service them because he was working at the pet store at the time. Later in the week, on Saturday, Joey’s defibrillator began shocking him at 5am because (he found out later) his potassium level had gotten too low. He spent all of Saturday in the hospital and came home Sunday around lunch when, as my mom relayed it to me, he demanded the hospital let him go home. My mom tried in vain to talk him out of it. Unless Joey has earned a medical degree without my knowledge, I’m fairly certain he made a poor decision. This feeling of mine was relayed later that day when I asked Joey the following rhetorical question: “have you lost your mind?”

Before either of the above events took place, Joey announced he was ready to take me up on a long standing offer: he moves out of our parent’s place, moves to Byron (where I’m renting our grandparent’s old place), takes over the rent from me, and I move out and get a place closer to my work. I’m not thrilled with the idea of having my rent (likely) doubled, but the combination of helping Joey move out on his own and having a shorter commute is worth it. My mom and I were certain the two above events would squash Joey’s plan to move, but as of now he still wants to do it. We shall see.

Speaking of moving out, my sister Samantha took the plunge last week. Sam and her best friend have moved into Northcrest Apartments in Warner Robins. It’s not as nice as we would’ve hoped, but what can you expect for $399 a month. Sam’s move in combination (if it happens) with Joey move will result in my parents suddenly being empty nesters. I’m not sure my mom likes that idea.

Tim, Melissa and the gang are back in Florida for Tim’s TDY. I’m not sure if they’ll be gone two weeks again or a month (Update: It’s 11 days). My mom, due to the RN Supervisor leaving (two weeks notice ended Wednesday — she’s officially gone) and the Assistant Supervisor being out starting this coming Monday with hernia surgery, will have to be running things at her work possibly for the next several weeks. And because they’re shorthanded, she will have no backup. This will likely be very trying and hectic for her. And my dad, well, work is going to age him if things do not change. Be praying for both these situations.

As for me, in keeping with my “goals” project, I’m trying to predict where I would like to be in 5+ years. What would I like to be doing? I got my Master’s Degree because I wanted to give “future me” options. Also, I knew that if there ever was a good time to work on a graduate degree, that time (2003-2005) was it because I only had myself to worry about and take care of. Three years later, I’m in practically the same boat. I don’t know what “future me” would like to ultimately do, but I want to give him options.

Does that mean I work on a doctorate degree? My employer, allegedly, will pay for me to earn a higher degree. I did not have this option for my Master’s, so the frugal part of me likes this very much. But is the time and stress it would take worth it? In my current profession, I have all the degrees I need. I do not need a doctorate to move up the ranks. The only way a doctorate truly comes in handy is if I reenter the field of education. Is that something I want to do? I don’t know.

Decisions, decisions.

I’ve spent the past week outlining some goals for myself. My entire life, I have been a goal-driven individual. The reason I have felt “off” or “blah” lately is simple: I’m currently not striving towards anything. My days are being lived without purpose.

In the coming weeks, I’ll discuss my new goals. First up is my goal to become healthier and lose weight. What follows may or may not be totally coherent, and I’m certain my repeated references to finances will cause many of you to you think out loud, “is this a post about dieting, Lauren or money?” But I assure you there is a method to the rambling madness.

It took me thirty years to realize and acknowledge — really realize and acknowledge — that just because something comes easy to me it doesn’t necessarily come easy to someone else. What’s sad about this slow realization is I have had no problem recognizing the opposite to be true — things other people are good at (directions, the game of Cranium, etc.) aren’t necessarily things I am good at.

It was a conversation with my mom — a year after Lauren moved away — that this realization/acknowledgment occurred.

Lauren liked to shop. It made her happy. On one occasion, she bought $3 worth of nicknacks from Goodwill. A small purchase, but at the time she only had $10 left from her last paycheck to get her through the rest of the week before her next paycheck. These $3 nicknacks were simply the latest in a series of purchases. Our disagreements about finances sort of blend in with one another now that so much time has passed, but I remember asking Lauren at the time, “how are you going to make it through the rest of the week with $7 for food and gas?”

The compulsion to spend money on non-essential items, when you knew you couldn’t afford them, was something I just couldn’t understand. It wasn’t until talking with my mom about it, many months after it happened, that I realized why:

This was easy for me, but it wasn’t easy for Lauren.

Saving my money for a stated purpose rather than immediately spend it is something that’s ingrained in me. I have never had to say to myself, “I really shouldn’t buy this because I only have $10 to get me through the week.” I make wise purchase decisions out of habit. I don’t have to think about it, I just do it.

Lauren, on the other hand, did have to think about it. Making the wise money decision just wasn’t something that happened automatically for her. This was an area in her life where she really had to work. And she did work at it. It was just that sometimes, like in this instance, her compulsion to spend won out.

My “oh” moment came when I realized “finances” to Lauren was like “healthy lifestyle” to me. A health fanatic would look at my decision to go to Wendy’s or McDonald’s for lunch (when I obviously have weight to lose) the same way I would look at an individual with $10 to her name buying nicknacks at Goodwill.

A bigger “oh” moment came shortly thereafter when I realized Lauren is far better at handling her finances than I have been at keeping the body God has given me fit and healthy.

Making healthy choices is something that’s not ingrained in me. When I was younger, I made healthy choices to help me at the game of baseball. Once baseball went away, the apparent need for making healthy choices went away as well. I have been able to make healthy decisions for extended periods of time, but inevitable I lose focus, become discouraged and revert to my old, unhealthy ways.

This time is going to be different. Why? Because I am going to spell things out in a way the my brain will understand loud and clear: by drawing similarities between good financial decisions and good health decisions.

1. You can’t lose all your weight in a day just like you can’t eliminate all your debt or become rich in a day. Sure, you could win the lottery or receive a massive inheritance, but counting on either of these unlikely events to help you reach financial independence is the equivalent to sitting day after day on a couch, eating junk food, waiting for scientists to invent a pill that will make you skinny. Losing weight, just like eliminating debt, happens by focusing on your goal day after day, month after month, year after year.
2. Good health and financial stability are achieved by making hundreds and thousands of small, sound decisions. Should I order a bacon cheeseburger or a grilled chicken sandwich? Should I buy that jacket I like even though I have two jackets already at home? Should I go for a 30-minute walk after dinner even though I feel tired? Should I hire someone to landscape my yard, or should I do it myself? Seemingly small decisions quickly add up. The key is ensuring they add up in your favor.
3. The difference between a stumbling block and a reward is your perspective. If you buy bluejeans at the mall that were not in your budget, you’ve made your goal of financial stability more difficult. You will also likely suffer from buyer’s remorse. However, if those bluejeans had been budgeted and you had saved up in order to buy them, their purchase would take on a whole new meaning. The same is true with food. If out of temptation you eat pizza when you’re trying to lose weight, you will feel like a failure. This sense of failure could cause you to further backtrack on your diet. However, if the pizza was something you had planned in advance as a reward for doing well on your diet, this single meal takes on a whole different meaning. Instead of being a stumbling block, this pizza is incentive to continue working so that you can later receive your next reward.
4. [new! added on 4/18] You can’t stop living a healthy lifestyle just because you’ve reached a weight loss goal just like you can’t go on a wild spending spree as soon as you have eliminated all debt. After all the time and energy (and money) I spent on eliminating my debts, it would be absolutely foolish for me to turn around and add new debt. The thought of doing such a thing seems insane to me. But with weight loss, time and time again I have done just that — I put forth a lot of effort, reached a goal and then undid all the good I had done. With finances, you make new goals. After you eliminate your debt, you make a new goal of staying debt free and building up your savings. I have to do the same thing with my health. When I reach a goal, I need to make a new one. When I reach that goal, I make a new goal for myself. There cannot be an expiration date when it comes to living a healthy lifestyle.

As mentioned above, I have reached weight loss goals in the past. I’ve reached one as recently as March 2006. Inevitably, I backtrack. This is partly because I didn’t set new goals for myself. However, it is mainly because, in the past, I expected losing weight to be the secret to a bliss-filled world:

“Once I’m thin, I will be happy. Harvard educated, female models who like sports will battle for my affection. Universities will give me honorary doctorates. My boss will triple my salary. Cats will learn how to talk. All will be well.”

But life doesn’t work that way. Getting healthy won’t make me happy. It is only one piece of the puzzle. God wants me to feel good about myself. He wants me to live a long, healthy life. He wants me to be able to help my parents get healthy. These are the reasons why I need to focus on getting healthy and lose weight.

Today is the first day of my commitment to a healthy existence. This is a goal that never ends. Each day, even if it is a short blurb, I am going to write a post stating what I ate the previous day. This blog will help me be accountable.

If I am able to think long-term (30+ years) with no problem when it comes to 401k’s and Roth IRA’s, I should be able to do the same when it comes to exercise and diet. After all, what good will a healthy retirement fund do me if I am too unhealthy to enjoy it?

Your encouragement is appreciated.

I’m not sure how or why, but I have felt “off” for several weeks now. I’ve felt tired, bored and stressed.

The tiredness has been discussed on my other blog, and it compelled me to give up coffee (and therefore cut my caffeine intake by more than half). I haven’t had coffee in more than three weeks, and my energy has considerably improved.

The boredom is something everyone experiences with their job from time to time. There has been a lull for several months at my work where there hasn’t been eight hours of daily work for me to do. So I spend parts of my days checking my email, daydreaming and staring out into space. It makes the days go by very slowly. However, work is about to pick up very soon. And once it does, for the rest of the year my job will be very busy. Slow days will be a thing of the past.

It’s my third symptom, stress, that puzzles me. For over a decade now, I have been very good at not stressing over things I have no control. After being a hot head in my early teen years, I transformed into a laid-back person somewhere around age 17. Being laid back is how I survived teaching. It’s why I am the calming voice at my work even though I’m the youngest person on my team by 15+ years. But lately, I find myself stressing out over things that don’t even directly involve me. In short, I find myself being stressed out by what’s happening in the lives of family members.

So why has this been happening? Am I in the early stages of a mental breakdown? Gosh, I hope not.

Is it happening because my own life has become so mundane there is nothing of my own in which to worry? There is no romantic relationship to worry about. I paid off all debts in December, so there is no financial stress to worry about. I’m appreciated at work, I’m good at my job and I’ve recently been promoted, so there’s nothing job related to worry about.

Are these feelings of stress my brain’s way of telling me I need to get a life?

If you guys don’t mind, please don’t list this site on your blogroll. I’d like to keep it hush-hush as much as possible. The topic in today’s post will likely give you insight as to why I’m being secretive. Thanks.

As all of you know (though some may not realize), tomorrow, April Fool’s Day, is a day of some significance in my life. One year ago to the day, Lauren and I broke up.

Has it really been a whole year? On a given day, that period of my life will feel like it ended only yesterday. On another day, it will feel like ages ago.

Do I regret it ended? No, it clearly was for the best. As much as we cared for one another, we were not compatible. Still, on “anniversaries” such as this one, “what if” scenarios play out in your mind. For example:

I had a date set.

On New Year’s Eve, 2006, I was going to propose. You all remember the costume party at Josh and Lyndsay’s that year, right? Lauren came as Miss Minnesota, I came as as “Future Kevin.” That was going to be the night.

The “Kev and Lauren” website I later launched was going to be how I was going to announce it to the rest of the world. The website was going to “go live” with the announcement on January 1st.

But it never happened.

From the time I registered the website to New Year’s Eve, a series of red flags went up. Red flags that screamed, “you aren’t right for her, she’s not right for you, God’s hand isn’t in this.”

I postponed the date indefinitely. I launched the website, minus the special announcement. We tried to work things out, but a few months later, on April 1st, the relationship ended.

The tough part about looking back on what happened is the realization of what my life would be like today had things gone differently. Marriage, a kid probably on the way, a home with my name on the mailbox… it can be overwhelming to think about.

The fact both Lauren and I would be unhappy had that route been taken quickly snaps me back to reality.

I haven’t heard from Lauren in a long time. Aside from a few “Kevin is about to turn 30″ comments she left in December, I haven’t heard from her in about six months. That’s sad, but it’s also a good thing because it means she has moved on. From what I surmised the last time I looked at her MySpace, she’s happy. Apple is alive and kickin’, her nanny job has brought her contentment, and rumor has it she’s dating a “nice” boy.

My prayers for her from last year have all come true.

I know all of you aren’t sports fans, but tonight is the start of the 2008 season for the Atlanta Braves. Below is a quick primer to prepare everyone for the season. I figure this will come in handy for rabid fans, fans who are out of the loop a bit (i.e. the type who only found out this week the Braves signed Tom Glavine back in November!), and those who couldn’t care less about the Braves, but would like to know the bare minimum about them (so as to not be lost when they come up in conversation). Enjoy!

Background

The Braves have missed the playoffs each of the past two years. However, many have high hopes for the team this year. Many “experts” in the industry have picked them to win their division and a few are even predicting them to reach the World Series.

New Faces

Yunel Escobar, Shortstop - To those who may not know, Rafael Furcal is no longer with the team. Edgar Renteria, the guy who replaced Furcal these past two seasons, was traded this winter. Escobar, after showing a lot of promise in part-time duty last year, is the new starting shortstop. A Cuban with a talented bat, it’s Escobar’s defense that is unclear. Will he be consistent enough with the glove?

Mark Kotsay, Center Field - Andruw Jones is no longer with the team. He’s with Furcal in Los Angeles. Why did he leave? The short answer: he wanted way too much money. Also, he only hit .222 last season. Mark Kotsay, who the Braves acquired in a trade this winer, is the new center fielder. Kotsay is an average hitter and above-average defender who was acquired to keep the position warm until 2009, when Jordan Schaefer, a top prospect, is ready for the big leagues. The big question with Kotsay is his back. He missed most of last season due to injury. Is he healthy?

Jair Jurrjens, Starting Pitcher - Acquired in the Edgar Renteria trade, Jurrjens is a new addition to the pitching rotation. At 22, Jurrjens is a young one. But by all accounts, he is a good one. The fact he beat out several veterans for a spot in the rotation, including Chuck James, who had been in the rotation the previous two seasons, is proof the club has high hopes for him. The question with Jurrjens is whether he’s ready. Young pitchers usually always endure growing pains.

Numerous Relief Pitchers, Bench Players - There are too many to list individually.

Frank Wren, General Manager - John Schuerholz, the man who orchestrated the Braves amazing worst-to-first transformation in 1991, has stepped down as GM. He is now the team’s President. Frank Wren, who has been Schuerholz’s assistant GM the past six years, took over this winter. By most accounts, his moves this offseason were solid.

Sidenote:

Of the 25 players on Atlanta’s opening day roster, seventeen were not on last season’s opening day roster. In short, there has been a lot of turnover.

Keys to a Successful Season:

1. John Smoltz and Tom Glavine must continue to defy Father Time.
2. Mike Hampton, who hasn’t pitched in two years, must stay healthy.
3. Yunel Escobar must keep his error total under 25.
4. Mark Kotsay and his tender back need to hold up.
5. Chipper Jones must avoid his annual “out for 20 to 35 games with miscellaneous injuries” routine.
6. Jeff Francouer must build on the improved plate discipline he showed last season and not revert to 2006’s “swing at everything and hope for the best.”
7. Rafael Soriano, the closer, must be consistent and not have his tender elbow flare up again like it did during Spring Training.
8. Matt Diaz, after excelling in part-time duty, must prove worthy of the full-time job handed to him this season.
9. Mike Gonzalez, who is on the disabled list until probably June, needs to come back strong and be an anchor in the team’s bullpen.
10. Bobby Cox needs to stay alive.

Fearless Prediction

I like the the makeup of this team. Their hitters are very young, and their pitchers are very… well, let’s say seasoned. However, unlike last season, the team has lots of pitching depth. If Hampton, Smoltz or another starting pitcher goes down with injury, the Braves have people ready to step in.

I believe the Braves will the division. I believe they will reach the World Series. And I believe, for the first time since 1995, they will bring home the championship.

“You may say I’m a dreamer, but (hopefully) I’m not the only one.”

After a relatively short hiatus, Pulling Back the Curtain (shortened to Pull Back the Curtain) is back with a new home and new look. I haven’t been able to import my old posts, but that’s probably not a big deal. Fresh starts can be a good thing.

To refreshen everyone’s memory: the purpose of this blog is to discuss the things I don’t get to talk about at my other blog. What’s going on in my life, my walk with God, the trials and tribulations I face on a daily basis, my hobbies and more are all topics I will touch on. It’s my hope I will write for this blog much more frequently than I have in the past, and more frequently than I write for that other bog.

As always, be sure to leave me lots of comments!